Monday, December 17, 2007

dating..?

SO I had the awkward conversation the other day. The one where I gently slip in the fact that I have herpes to someone new in my life and play it off like it's no big thing. It went well, he acted like it was nothing. In reality I know he was telling himself " well there goes a potential fuck buddy". It's a little dissappointing realizing that's all you might be to some people but if we keep on talking like we are I might make a friend out of this situation.
There is one "friend" I've talked to off and on for about two or three years now, since before I contracted the virus, that I'm worried about telling. Mostly because I think he has potential but I don't think he will take it well. I know some people might say if he's really a friend he should handle it fine or, if he doesn't take it well you don't want to have him in your life anyway. Yeah that is all true, but it still hurts to want someone just like you for once instead instantly shutdown all possibilities of a relationship.
I honestly can't guess what his reaction will be. He's fun to hang out with the few times we have and we seem to have enough in common. This is the first time something like this has happened so far. I don't like it becasue I talk to him and ask myself "is this the right time to say something?" then I decided to do it when we are face to face. Hoping that will make him take it better cause then he can't just run away and stop talking to me altogether. Maybe if he sees I'm the same person and I'm not a monster trying to trick him maybe then he'll be more understanding and open. Just haven't had the opportunity come up in a couple weeks. heres to whats to come.

Saturday, December 1, 2007

Love bordem and alternators

So this is how the last couple days have been; I got off work (I work third shift so it was 7am) I came home and slept and was about to go out of town to visit a friend but half way there my alternator died. I got towed back home and have been stuck here ever since. Bored. Alone. A little cold.

I've been going back and fourth between dating sites. Looking at the guys and girls on them mostly pressing the "no" button. I used to spend hours looking at dating sites trying to find the next person I was going to flirt with. Now it's kinda painful. I took myself off most of the normal dating sites after I learned I have herpes. It's just too hard to flirt and meet someone then try to tell them. I've had a couple bad experiances with people I knew before I found out so I'm critical of such things. I'm on all the STD dating sites (all three of them) but so far I've only talked to one person who wasn't too interested/interesting after a while.

The friend I was going to see is one of my best friends that I'm sorta pining for. He just broke up with his girlfriend of two years (on-and-off) He's a wreck and can't let her go. He knows how I feel about him so he's a little weary of opening up and doesn't want to do anything that will hurt me. I'm stronger then he thinks and really just want to see him happy. I think he deserves better then her, not nessicarily that I'm that person either, but she was trouble.

He called me real upset so instinctivly I was going to go visit and comfort him face to face. I feel aweful having so many friends out of town so when I have a chance to be there in person when they are going through problems I feel better. So when my car died I felt bad (he feels worse). Recounting my car trouble seemed to help him get his mind off what he was going through. At least I hope it helped a little.

The two hour drive back wasn't too bad I had a nice conversation with the tow truck driver who was very nice and non-threatening. We talked about career options, both his and mine. My friend and my love for him. His past and present relationships and his kids. My being bipolar (that's a different blog) him thinking he might be. It was a different experiance but better then being stuck at home awake like I am now.

I've done some work for the websites , www.Sexaudia.com and www.Buddyfetch.com, but I don't have that much to do for them right now and the person that runs them both isn't online yet to give me work. Here's hoping the bordem ceases soon

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Children and The Talk

I was thinking while driving home from work this morning about how my herpes would effect my children if I actually have some one day.
Yes if I have any I will have a C-section because of the risks of a vaginal birth with herpes. But I mean will it effect them in other ways?
Theres no reason they would ever have to know. Aside from the actual delivery it doesn't have to effect them. I think though I would rather be open with them and tell them at the same time I have the sex/ puberty talk with them. I think 10 11 12 are about the ages I would consider having that talk with them.
I decided this when my mother and I had to give the talk to my neice and newphew at 9 and 11 because their mother didn't know what to say. From hearing that many wouldn't be surprised to find out my nephew at 13 got a girl pregnant. I won't bitch about what my views are on my brother's ex-wife's lack of common sense though.
I am hoping unlike my nephew, knowing a parent has dealt with something like an STD would make my own child realize that I might be a little more then wise when I tell them that sex isn't a game. I don't mind using some of the graphic images I came across when I first was told I had herpes. Those would have scared me into virginity in a second. ( I went to catholic school so I never got to see such things)
Also in my own openness I hope they feel that they can come to me with any problem sex-related or not. I believe in open, clear communication with kids because I think they are smarter then adults give them credit for. They will figure things out on their own. If you don't talk to them who knows what skewed information they might come up with. I was a smart intuitive kid I know if I have them my kids will be the same.
That is years away, I hope. Right now it scares me to think about raising a child. I just got my own life together, so excuse me for being selfish but, no kids for the near future.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

A little background

I don't consider myself a slut, whore, loose, or any other label put upon a woman that expresses a healthy sexual appetite. I will tell you honestly, I've had 13 partners. It was the 12th that I had dated for six months that transmitted HSV to me. He, to this day, denies it. I will admit in my opinion, yes, that is a lot for someone only sexually active for five years. I will say this on my behalf, I never once had a one-night-stand. Yes, I regret some of my partners, hell, most of them. Although, I considered each one friends at the time. No, I never considered myself in love with anyone. In a perfect I would wish to still be a virgin til I did find that love. This isn't a perfect world. It does still spin. I see this as a golden chance to be absolutely sure that when I do fall in love it will be with someone who loves me wholly as I am. I am also realistic in knowing there is a chance that I may never find that person. I won't be alone, I have to many wonderful friends that have stuck around too long.

I don't claim to know how to live life after being exposed, this isn't going to be a guide or manual, just my life living- dating, meeting people, retaining friends, dealing with family, a job, life in general- with herpes.

Beginnings

My name-- doesn't matter. Where I live-- unnecessary. I'm just another 20-something female living in the United States. There is only one major distinguishing factor to my life that is relevant to this particular blog. I am, in fact, living with herpes. I stress living. Despite what 95% of what is out there tells you, life goes on after being diagnosed with an STD. I agree playing up the need to being safe sexually to avoid contracting such things is the best tactic. The best reason not to have sex for as long as you can wait. But as I've found once your infected your left on your own about how to conduct your life. Some going as far as giving the leper treatment. There has to be more out there for someone with a disease to hold on to as far as realizing you still are a human being. With all the rejection and blame that is put on to those living STDs, more has to be said to assure a person that they are still normal. So let this be my addition to the world.